Washed From The Inside Out

I admit that I haven’t yet acquired the absolute fullness that I’m pursuing, but I run with passion into His abundance so that I may reach the purpose for which Christ Jesus laid hold of me to make me His own. I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however, I do have one compelling focus: I forget all the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead. I run straight for the divine invitation of reaching the Heavenly goal & gaining victory-prize through the anointing of Jesus. —Philippians 3:12-14

Growing up, I believed I needed another human to rescue me to make me whole. Maybe I watched too many rom-coms, but I literally thought a prince would rescue me and love me with such intensity that I’d finally feel complete. The worst part of that was believing I needed a human to fill the void that only God could fill. This expectation wasn't just too much to put on another human; it also fostered in me an unhealthy understanding of relationships.

When I was in my twenties, I had a powerful encounter with God. It was like finding hidden treasure — but I lacked the direction and understanding of how to integrate it into my life, so it remained just out of reach. For the next twenty years, I lived spiritually uncoordinated. It was as if my internal compass was off-balance and I needed guidance to set me back on track. I wish I would have known how much I needed a spiritual mentor. I needed someone to gently lead me to my Bible, to keep pointing me back to Jesus, and to speak God’s truth to all the questions I didn't even know to ask. I desperately needed someone to tell me how valuable I was in God’s Kingdom, and that my purpose on Earth was uniquely mine, designed for me before the world began. Instead, I spent two decades doing life, but not really appreciating the special gifts God had given me. I had a good life filled with amazing highs, like the births of my three beautiful children; and devastating lows, like the loss of a pregnancy. But through it all, my spiritual growth was stunted, and I was stuck.

Looking back, I wondered how it was possible for me not to grow spiritually over the course of 20 years. But God gently reminded me that it’s easy for the days to slip by and for the relationship to go stale, the same way any human relationship dies if we don't spend time on it, we don't cherish it, nourish it, or even listen to it. God speaks. He is always speaking. If we don't hear Him it's because we aren't listening, not because He stopped speaking…I wish someone would have told me that too.

But here’s the thing: after basically ignoring God for years, when my marriage was falling apart, it was God who rescued me. He saved me, largely from myself and the sea of codependency in which I was drowning.

Codependency is destructive. It separates us from our Creator and traps us in a vicious cycle of people-pleasing, enabling, and self-abandonment. I was barely keeping my head above water, but somewhere in the chaos, I encountered God in a new way, and I was washed clean from the inside out. My entire life changed.

I started to see, hear, and understand things differently. It was a profound awareness of my value and worth in a way I had never experienced before. The moment I experienced it is etched forever in my memory: I was driving, engaged in one of my usual candid conversations with myself, when a burst of laughter erupted from deep within me. With heartfelt joy, I exclaimed, "Oh Lord, I love how you made me!"

As those words came out of my mouth, the tears flowed as well. It was a beautiful realization that I had finally embraced and loved the person God had designed me to be.

Through my surrender and obedience to Him, the Lord is teaching me what true love and what forgiveness look like. I'm learning to walk in a healthy, interdependent relationship with my Creator, and it’s the most powerful connection I’ve ever had. I used to seek love from a human to feel complete, but now I understand that the love of the Father is the only way to truly be complete. Seeking love and validation from another human will never fill the God-shaped hole inside me. Only God can do that.

Some people ask me why I’m still alone, and I love the opportunity to tell them that I am NOT alone. I'm with Jesus and I have never felt so loved, seen, and understood in my life. His love goes far beyond our human comprehension. As humans, we think and understand with a human capacity, but His love has NO capacity. His love never ends. Doesn't it make sense that the one who created me would understand me best?

The most important advice I give anyone these days is:

1. Find a mentor (or several mentors). How do you do that? It's simpler than it sounds… just seek out people whom you respect and who are where you want to be, and ask them to mentor you.

2. Find a healthy community that will walk with you and speak God’s truth into you. I used to think a real friend should agree with me at all times, but that isn't Godly. Godly friendships continually pull us up toward Christ in and through all things. Our Godly friends are called to remind us who we are, who we belong to, and to encourage us to become who God has always meant for us to be by speaking His truth to us! This is the best thing a Godly friend can do for us. We need that kind of friend to help us grow. We need them to speak the truth in love…boldy yet tenderly!

Actually, on the other hand, I guess rom-coms have it right after all, the Prince (Jesus) really did rescue me, and He loves me with such intensity that I finally feel complete. Now that’s a rom-com we all need to experience!

-Kim Lemasters, Worthy Content Creator