Trading Avoidance for Freedom

For years, I believed my value was measured by the comfort of those around me. I spent much of my life trying to keep peace—in relationships and even with strangers. I didn’t realize that by tying my identity to being the “stabilizer” for everyone else, I had lost sight of who I was in Christ.

I recently heard it said, “Peacekeeping is putting a lid on the pot, but peacemaking is turning the burner off.” When our worth is rooted in being needed or liked, we become prisoners to managing the burner. But the gospel tells a different story: our identity is not found in our ability to keep others happy, but in the finished work of Jesus.

Once I surrendered the need to define myself through others, I finally found the power to simply turn off the burner. My life changed forever in 2023 when I reached that realization.

Looking back, I see that I was stuck in a cycle of survival—not as a victim of circumstance, but as a prisoner to my own peacekeeping. I had exhausted myself trying to hold down the lid. It burned my hands and kept me in a constant state of fear, wondering what would happen if the pot finally overflowed.

I thought I was being a servant, but I was really just managing the steam while everyone else in the kitchen remained miserable because of the heat.

At the start of that year, I reached the end of my own strength. In that brokenness, I surrendered everything to my Heavenly Father. I could almost hear a divine sigh of relief as He whispered to my heart, “My dear Kimmie, I can use ALL the pieces of your heart for My glory.”

Surrendering to God opened my eyes to a humbling truth: it took me fifty years to understand what it means to truly love myself and to recognize what true love actually looks like. Once I stopped trying to control the outcome, the Lord showed me that my definition of love was often just a fear of conflict.

The most pivotal part of this healing was learning the difference between being a peacekeeper and a peacemaker. I once believed peacekeeping was my primary duty as a “good Christian” wife, mother, and friend.

However, while reading the Beatitudes in Matthew 5:9 (The Passion Translation), I paused: “How joyful you are when you MAKE peace!” I had never heard it worded quite like that, and it resonated in my heart.

I realized that for years I kept a false sense of harmony by staying quiet when I needed to speak up and sweeping conflict under the rug. In ministry and family life, we often mistake silence for spirituality. We think that by not making waves, we are being Christ-like.

But Jeremiah 6:14 warns us against this superficiality: “They say ‘Peace, everything is well,’ when there is no peace, and nothing is well.”

When we engage in peacekeeping, we practice spiritual avoidance. This doesn't just hurt us; it allows bitterness to fester. God is more interested in reconciliation than comfort through avoidance. To reach that reconciliation, we must shift from being managers of moods to seekers of truth.

By learning to be a peacemaker, I have addressed the heat at its source through these three practices:

1. Identify the Heat Source: Ask yourself, "What is actually causing this tension?" Whether it is an unmet need, a crossed boundary, or unconfessed sin, the truth is what sets us free (John 8:32). Ask, "Who am I trying to save by holding down the lid?" (Remind yourself: Jesus is the Savior, not you.)

2. Trade “Nice” for “Kind”: Being nice is often about being liked; being kind is about doing what is best for the other person. Sometimes the kindest thing is to bring a difficult truth into the light. Ask yourself: Am I seeking the peace of man or the peace of God?

3. Prioritize Connection Over Winning: Peacekeeping is about survival; peacemaking is about revival. The goal isn’t to win an argument, but to remove the obstacles preventing genuine, Christ-like connection. Ask yourself: If I stopped managing everyone’s moods today, who would I be? (The answer: a beloved child of God.)

Today, the burner is off, and for the first time, I am walking in a peace that doesn't require me to hide. My relationships are deeper because they are built on honesty rather than management.

If you are tired of holding down the lid, take heart: your identity is secure in Him, and the Prince of Peace is ready to help you turn off the burner.

~Kim LeMasters, Worthy Content Writer

1. What is the difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking, and how can confusing the two impact our relationships and personal identity?

2. In what ways might fear of conflict disguise itself as “love” or “being nice,” and how can we shift toward a healthier, truth-centered definition of love?